Taylor Stephens' Journal

2:05PM - wtf?

11:29AM - Death of a Diva

Backstage in Dallas, Texas back in 1993, an alter-ago was born. For the next 2 years that ego only came out for fashion shows that I was asked to model for. In 1995 that ego performed for the first time during a benefit at Lamar University, that ended in a riot and huge controversy of the rights of gay students there at Lamar. Instantly my then ego, Tatiana Taylor was all over local news stations and in papers across Texas. From 1995-2001, Tatiana Taylor managed to win 13 pageant titles, competing at Miss Gay Texas USofA a total .. of 10 times. Placing in the top 12, 4 of those 10. In 2001 upon moving to Austin, Texas she changed her name to Taylor Trinity. In the 4 years that she reigned as Austin's Bitch of Drag, she managed to capture one last title, as Miss Lake Travis at Large 2004, and went on to Miss Gay Texas at Large only to place in the Top 5. She made her way to New York City to compete in The Ricki Lake Show's "American Drag Idol II" Competion. She managed to appear on MTV NEWS twice for being the hostess of "The Rawk Show" for the SXSW Music Conference. The Austin Chronicle voted her "Best Drag Queen". And the readers of Ambush Magazine nominated her as Entertainer of the Year for 4 years in a row. She won the prestigious "Buzzy Fanning Fight Against AIDS Award for 2001-2002, for her work with local charities in central Texas. And she's won many other awards, and entered many other pageants, and performed not only in the gay scene, but managed to be the first Austin Drag Queen to headline a circuit event, "Meltdown" and perform for a crowd of over 2,000 people. As well as performing at such venues as Elysium Nightclub, OLSO, The Continental Club, 1920's, Element Nightclub, and many many more. She crossed the gay market and won over a straight audience in Austin like no other. It's been over 10 years since I created that alter-ego, and took her all over Texas and the US, to entertain audiences whereever she was welcomed. Like all good things in life though, her time has come to an end. I've grown a great deal as a person, and no longer need the limelight and attention I have recieved from this alter-ego... Luckily I am able to cut it in this world as a man, not just another boy in a dress trying to impress people. I started out as an entertainer, wanting to take myself as far as I could, and I believe I did just that. I no longer have the passion for performing that I once did. I have so many interests that I want to pursue, but not as a diva... just as myself. She had her good moments, and boy did she have her bad moments... And this wasn't the easiest choice for me to make... I'll always have a bit of her sass and spunk in my heart.
But as said in one of my favorite movies....
(of course I'm changing the name for my sake :oP )
"Miss Trinity was a lady.... And a lady, always knows when it's time to leave..."
Taylor Trinity 1993-2005

6:11PM - A tough choice...

I met someone recently that I really like, and I'm really inspired by the kind of person that he is.. It's made me start to really think about myself and my life.. alot. I've talked about him quite a bit in other online postings that I have.. here are a few:

Last night was by far one of the best nights of my life... I am scared that if I talk to much more about it that I will somehow jinx what I think is going to be a great new chapter in my life... Someone now has my full attention and my thoughts will be of them quite often.. I hope they realize how much of an impact they had on me.. I won't soon forget this past evening..
( Nothing crazy, nasty or dirty happened for those of you I know are gonna ask... LOL But something even better.. I think I connected with someone which I've not done in quite a while.. Not like this )
Nuff Said! I shall leave the rest between myself and the wonderful person I was hanging with last night.. You know who you are :o) I'm a little typsy, sorry if my grammar and spelling are all whacked :oP

Ever Had...

One of those days where things just start to hit you all at once? I mean today of all days, I'm not sure why.. I've just been an emotional roller coaster! Everything was per usual and fine and dandy.. them BAM! I was a total scatter brain, and couldn't get what I was doing from one minute to the next to stick on my mind long enough for me to remember.. Then.. I'm totally bitchy and not wanting to be around anyone pretty much.. and as soon as that moood faded out,... the tears started flowing =( Clarity, although best in life, isn't always the easiest. It tends to make us have to confront everything wrong with ourselves and our lives.. even the things we don't want to admit are wrong to begin with. That list is quite long in my case, I won't lie... I'm rambling I guess.. it's just weird though. Most of the time I am totally composed and leveled out emotionally.. and then out of nowhere.. I'm all out of whack!! I guess we all have to let shit out now and then in order to keep from bursting... I just didn't want today to be the day.. that these things all came to surface and struck my conscious.

Looking back...

Well the emotional roller coaster of a day ended on the most calm and peaceful note that it could have. I met with the person I've spoken of previously in these blogs last night for our 2nd, "kinda-date, hang out sorta thing"... He made dinner, we watched a movie.. ok he watched a movie.. i passed out on the couch holding onto his arm and laying my head on his shoulder.. ( I never fall asleep around people I'm not used to so easily )... Then we played video games for a bit, and then just talked in bed until I passed out again, and then started snoring so loud the poor guy had to go sleep on the couch. :oP I have bad allergies, and there's alot of cedar where he lives. I hate to say what I'm about to say, because I tend to make fun of people for being this dreamy-eyed, and full of hope about things... But I seriously think this person was put in my life at this exact moment for a reason. Granted I have no clue what that reason is, but I know that since having met him.. Well let me just say this first... He's one of the few people that you meet in life that right away you just know he's truly a good-hearted person that doesn't really do wrong.. The kind that may not always make the choices they feel are best, but really are making choices better than most of us in life. Just listening to him talk, and being in the room with him, and being around him.. there are so many things about how he carries himself, and how he treats me, his views on things.. that I really admire in someone as young as him. Seeing him with his daughter this morning when I woke up, completely made me miss my daughter Tori... It just urged me to call her a few minutes ago and arrange for a visit. Maybe I'm having a nervous breakdown.. Maybe I'm just crazy.. I never imagined that meeting one person at the right moment, and seeing in them the things that you have been contemplating a change for in your own life.. brought in front of you in the form of someone you already find beautiful outside as well as in... could do what it did.. I cried most of the way home.. mostly while praying and.. asking for the strength to follow through the changes I have recently made, and to take one step further with other changes I had yet to make. I don't honestly think I've ever met someone that I felt was better than me.. until now. I mean that as the utmost compliment to this person.. Everything about what lies behind his eyes is totally pure. Just being around him, makes me want to change myself.. not in a bad way. Something about him inspires me to get off my fucking ass and take hold of things that I should have long ago.. and stop going through the motions of getting my life together and actually do it. I don't know that I deserve having him come into my life.. He could do much better than someone like myself.. But if anything.. I'm glad I met him, if not for anything else.. than for him to inspire me to start thinking about the things that I have. I think today is the day, that I leave behind many things that have hovered in my life for years now. And I just never had the courage to flat out, abolish these things from my life... Alot is about to change, and in some drastic ways..

I just got back from attending evening services with my niece at her church.. No I'm not going all religious or anything.. I do think I need a bit more center to my life. And a little spirituality couldn't hurt. I am going through my messenger lists, and phone #'s right now.... All the friends I have that are perpetually wrapped up in the drug scene, no matter how much I may care for them as people.. I'm deleting them. If and when they get themselves out of that scene, and show that they are actually going to do something with themselves.. then I shall make an effort to re-build a friendship. Today marks the day of my going... by choice...
Stone Cold Sober... I'm 29 years old.. and I could be a hell of alot further than where I want to be in life, if I wasn't always letting these losers distract me with constant partying, and always being wrapped up in trivial club life and drama. This isn't really an easy choice to make being that I perform in this scene, and rely a great deal on my social standing as a means of getting more crowds to come to my shows, and the more people, generally.. the more money I make. So as a part of this choice.. I won't be performing again until I have enough will power to be in that scene and not allow myself to become influenced by such distractions...

Something happened.. nothing I can honestly explain.. I'm just seeing things in a totally different light today. I think alot has to do with Jason.. there's just something about him.. I can't quite pin point what it is.. But it's made me realize from being with him.. that I'm not all that happy with me and where I've let my life go. I know this is probably one of the harder things I will have to do in my life.. Especially since I hate being alone.. And I'm about to blacklist more than half my friends... But I know that if they care about me.. They will realize that this is something that I must do.. and it has nothing to do with them. If they take offense by what I'm doing.. well then.. I didn't need them in my life to begin with. That moment in life that we all think about, where everything changes and you just wake up and take charge.. has happened. Wish me luck, this isn't going to be an easy journey.

2:57AM

7:20PM - Tired of small town living.

Back in September I moved to San Marcos for a well needed break from Austin, the scene and people I was around. And I've gotten myself back on track in life, and managed to drop some bad habits and friends, and over all been much more at peace and ok with myself and the direction of my life. But I should have known with me being the social creature that I am, that my living in a small town away from people and things to do would only last so long. I'm growing more and more restless all the time now living here. So I have decided with my tax return to move back to Austin. A little better off though, being that I now finally have a car again, and money in the bank that I have not just outright spent for no reason. I'm not going to make a split decision though on where I move to or whom if it be the case. I want the same low key life I've had lately, I just want more of a choice to be out and about when the urge strikes me. Hopefully my moving back will be a positive change this time rather than bringing things in my life to a halt again.

5:49PM - A Sad day for us all...

I find it most depressing that my fellow Americans,
the same people that share this great land with
me, have so decided to place a man in charge of
our county who in the past four years has not only
put the United States in a state of unrest,
uncertainty, and total dismay... but has also
managed to make our country one of the most
hated and despised nations in the world. Are we
so pompous and arrogant that we can't see that
what this man has done to people in other lands,
the power he has abused has set us back
decades!!! And he will gladly accept the votes of
those to whom he considers lesser indviduals, but
god forbid he give those individuals the same
rights as the citizen's that he considers worthy....
BULLSHIT!!! It's not so sad that this man ran for
office, as always there are monsters in politics
that want to set us back in time and ruin the
advancements that we have made as a modern
society... What is sad is that the American Public
actually went out and chose to put this man in
charge of us, even after having seen what a
horrible job he had done in the previous four
years!!!
I love my country, don't get me wrong... But today
for the first time in my life.. I'm ashamed to be an
American.... I shall be wearing a black ribbon
everday for the loss of Freedom for all
Americans!!

12:19AM - This makes me sick!

I normally don't get all out of shape about political stuff and all of the ignorance that tends to surround it, but this was just too much. Yet another reason to vote! http://www.liberallampson.com/ Feel free to contact this ignorant ass, his e-mail and phone number are at the bottom of the site!

2:57PM - New Year's Haze...

Well I have been playing the part of "good boy" here lately. Staying away from going out, doing substances that I know are not healthy, and drinking too much. I have made myself try to lead a more healthy life and try to stay active in ways other than going to the bars. The only real draw back of this is, that unless I want to be on the internet chatting alot... it's somewhat hard to meet people. Gay.com is another thing I'm trying to not indulge in too much. I tend to waste alot of time when chatting on it, and not get things done that I know I need to do. I decided though that New Year's Ever was an exception to the rule, and went out clubbing. I mean once in a while can't be all that bad for me. And funny as it is, had a guy come up to me in the club, and hand me a card that read " You have a gorgeous face, and great ass, Want to party later?" With his name and cell phone number of course. Never in a million years had I imagined that such a cheap and cheesy way of picking someone up would work so well on me. Yeah yeah, I was in heat. It had been months since I was with anyone sexually. I was weak. And once drunk, all those substances that I am staying away from, seemed to just start being handed to me for free... ( It never fails ) So I got all sorts of lovey dovey, had a great fuck, and got trashed. I'm wondering when is the next appropriate holiday or occasion to let myself indulge. I'm not sure I can go months at a time without having a little fun here and there.... But I know I'm not at all down for being the old Taylor that partied way to much and took very little seriously. I guess I should make plans to let loose once a month or so... So I don't go crazy trying so hard to be the good boy.

10:18AM - I fucking HATE moving!!!!

I dunno that I have alot to say so much as alot to bitch about. Ok well not really alot, just one thing in particular. I now understand why when we reach a certain age we start wanting to settle roots, etc etc... It is not because we become stable as human beings, it because you reach a point where you have to say to yourself, "The older I get the more shit I seem to aquire.... Do I really want to keep dragging all this shit around forever???" So rather than get rid of everything we own and start over each time we want to move, I guess we eventually get to lazy to deal with the shit, and buy a home.

5:03AM - Late Night Thoughts

It's only been about 2 1/2, 3 months since my ex and I broke up. And I know it was a break up that was long over due for us both. I met a guy by chance a few weeks back that I have been spending time with. He's a nice guy, seems stable, level headed, and mature. Problem is that I don't seem to be able to find those qualities in myself at the present moment. I don't wanna push this guy away and fuck up the chance of getting to know him and yet, I don't want to allow myself to get into something right now that I am just not sure I am ready to deal with. Not to sounds conceited but I tend to have little followings of guys that seem to see things in me, I frankly just don't think are so great. But apparently they think differently. I'm sure others would say be happy people can see past your flaws and appreciate what good they see in you. And maybe they would be right to say so... but I still find myself doubting their ability to see the real me. Doubting myself for letting them get somewhat close, then when I feel they are somewhat penetrating these walls I took so many years to create to protect myself..... I shut them out. This guy I have been seeing, and I have nothing serious going on... Just having drinks here at my house, watching movies, good conversations... the usual when getting to know someone you think you like. Tonight was the first time that we ventured into doing other things. A friend invited me out for drinks while he was over watching a movie, so I decided to see if he was interested in maybe going along for a few drinks. We went out, met my friend.... and all seemed normal and right.... Then he went to pull me toward him and kiss me.... Instant walls. I pulled away. I don't even know why, I have kissed him many times here in my house... Just the two of us. And felt no threat in doing so. Somehow the public display of affection in front of friends, who know of my previous relationship, and situation... caused me to freeze up and close off. After drinks we come back to my house... He asks to stay the night... I agree. And we made love. It was quite comforting, passionate, and non freaky. I didn't feel slutty or out of line in doing this...after he fell asleep.... And here I am awake, pondering where this may lead.... Pondering whether or not enough time was spent reflecting what went wrong with my ex and I before letting someone else get close, pondering if I am too damaged of goods emotionally to get this guy mixed up with me, pondering why I am still here in this town, and pondering any and every other things that pops into my head. Maybe I am over analizing things, maybe not.... Instinct tells me to just let things take their own course one day at a time, and not judge... Experience tells me to just me myself, if he truly likes me then he will see me for who I am, and appreciate it.... Heartbreak tells me that I can't risk another chance of letting someone near my heart just so they can capture it, then when the novelty of me wears off, throw it away and shatter my world all over again. And I have no clue which one to listen to. Hopefully the sleeping pills and hot tea will kick in, so I can pass out, and ponder this all another time. The head and heart are having their own little battle inside of me.... And I feel as though I have no say in this battle... I am just waiting to see which dominates over the other, and then take my orders. I want a say... I just don't know what to say to either.... so I am saying it all here... if ne thing hopefully this will serve as some therapy for it all. I guess I just have to wait and see what unfolds. Too bad we are not given instruction manuals at birth for all of this.

Current mood: confused

Current music: listening to Track 11, Sheryl Crow's Tuesday Night Music CLu

11:45AM - Stuck...

Finding myself in a situation that I truly would rather have not happened... My boyfriend of 2 years and I broke up. He had decided to move to another state to pursue what he wanted to do... And with my knowing things were probably going to end unless I moved with him... fought in my head back & fourth over the issue. I eventually decided for reasons concerning my daughter, family, and other issues... to stay here in Austin. Then we worked out a plan of how to go about him moving but being a couple until he left... And as time progressed I thought more and more about the fact that this relationship, that I thought was "THE ONE", didn't mean enough to him to figure out a way to go after our dreams together. I know he loves me... but his ambition for certain things that I have no interest in, is just too much. I wish him well in all of his endeavors. I just wish I had known that no longer being with him was truly going to be this hard. I guess we only notice flaws when irritated with someone... and then once they are gone, begin to remember all the great things about them. Alot of my friends feel we were not a good match... they may be right... But whether or not that is true... doesn't change that I was more in love with him than I have ever been with anyone. And then I have to wonder if the problem was him at all.... or if I was just too selfish and blind to see that the problem was indeed me... Hopefully what time I get to see him before he leaves will at least be spent enjoying those things about him, I took for granted.

1:27AM - Lipstick Lounge

http://www.tapelendersaustin.com/tay/ll_poster.jpg
Well for my friends who have not already recieved my e-mails
here is a link for my upcoming show here in Austin @ The Forum Nightclub.

9:50AM

Not surprisingly, trans people are frequent targets of discrimination and hate crimes. Also not surprisingly, they are constantly misunderstood or rejected, even by certain gay people who suffer from internalized homophobia and fear that trans people might perpetuate stereotypes about gay people. Of course it's hard to understand people who defy our definitions of man or woman. In fact, many people with gender differences don't fit into the neat categories we create for them, and many of them resent attempts at labeling them. Many of them don't understand themselves. But, please, stop thinking that gay and trans always overlap, or that you have the right to beat up, murder, harass, or discriminate against any group. I'd rather see a seven-foot, hairy-chested man in a blouse than a Neo-Nazi in a three-piece suit any day.

9:46AM

Gays owe drag queens a great deal. The gay pride movement suddenly became visible during the sixties, when a group of drag queens at New York's Stonewall Inn decided to fight back against police raids and police brutality. Across the country, police officers would beat up and arrest people just for going to a bar with a largely gay clientele, and newspapers would then print the list of "perverts," causing those people to lose their jobs and/or contemplate suicide. That trend had occurred off and on throughout the twentieth century. The Stonewall uprising led to change. Those "wimpy" drag queens turned over some police cars, stopped the police raids, and added to the anti-discrimination movement that had already started brewing in San Francisco.

9:42AM - Just me starting to get back into writing...

A Mile in My Heels – Taylor Trinity

I came to Austin, Texas with no expectations of what I thought people were going to be like, and no preconceived notions about its gay community. During my two years in this city, I have experienced every high and low imaginable when it comes to homophobia. Just to set the record straight, I am indeed a drag queen, female impersonator, entertainer, or whatever label you are most comfortable using to identify what I do. I started doing this many years ago, as a joke. I did it for fun, as an escape so to speak from reality. I had no idea what effect it would have on my life at the time. But I have come to embrace and cherish the talent I have of reaching people that I was never able to achieve dressed as a boy.
Austin has quite a flourishing gay community. I have lived in many large cities throughout Texas, and never felt the sense of true belonging that I do here. Along with that though, I have never experienced such prejudice from within the gay community as well. Being that Austin is mostly a college town, and caters to the younger part of its population. Many stereotypical gay genres are excluded and even ridiculed by other members within its community. As united as things may seem from an outside perspective, this town has a long way to go before it can truly call itself a community.
I moved to Austin to start a new life, having just ended a four year relationship. I was optimistic about the possibilities that this city held for me. I began dating again, and found that casual sex, drugs, and self destructive behavior was not only still alive in gay culture, but quite the norm. I was not so much shocked as I was saddened by the big picture of it all. I met some very interesting people with various opinions on gay life, culture, history, and politics. The funny thing was that most of their opinions were so similar and one sided, it was a real culture shock to me, not having grown up in this town. They all want the right to live their lives with whomever they choose, and the right to be accepted by the rest of society, but none of them are willing to stand up for those rights, and be seen or heard in the public’s eye.
I started doing drag in Austin, because I felt the scene here was not what it should be for this size of city. Dallas, Houston, and even San Antonio all have huge drag scenes with entertainers of all genres representing the gay community. But somehow here in Austin these people were being made fun of, joked at, laughed at, and even physically harmed for their taste in gender identity. Well I was not ready to accept this. So I started doing drag again, here in this new city. And the reactions have been quite interesting.
A lot of the younger crowd to much surprise has been totally supportive and even captivated by my art. But of course for every positive there follows the negative. Being that I am a man who dresses in women’s clothing, a lot of gay men in this community find me to be an embarrassment and even a derogatory symbol of their gay community. Yet somehow their casual sex, use of recreational drugs, and pretending to be heterosexual to their straight peers is far less humiliating. So I endeavored to take my dressing as a woman to a whole other level. I decided to organize a fund raiser for a local HIV/AIDS charity organization. Much to my surprise I was nominated and won an award for my work on that benefit. Somewhere deep inside I know it was to show that a drag queen, female impersonator was more to this community than another man in a dress. I’m not going to lie and say I only do drag for the benefit of others. I do it for myself. But in the process of doing it for myself, I find ways of using that attention to help others as well.
If I was to stand in front of the state capitol and talk about Gay rights, and homophobia, and discrimination I might get a nice little audience to listen to my points of view. But dressed as a woman I know that every media person available would be there to take notice, not because of my view points. But they would take notice because of my appearance. If that look is what it takes to get people’s attention, then I will be doing this for years to come. The assumption that all drag queens or transgender people are uneducated, promiscuous, and a threat to society is one that I will not accept and hope that you won’t either.
Whether you are gay, straight, bisexual, transsexual, or whatever we all deserve the same rights, recognition, and respect as anyone else. Each one of us needs to learn that no matter how foreign ones lifestyle may seem to us from the outside it is not our place to judge who they are inside. We all have the choice of whether to hurt or help those around us. If someone is helping those around them and doing positive things within the general community in which they live in, then why should we care what they look like, or whom they identify with more in their lives. We should embrace their strength to be who they truly are without reservation and without judgment and try to learn something about ourselves in the process. Think what you will, but you’ll never know the pain one suffers until you walk a mile in their heels.

1:38AM - I'm obviously bored to be posting this...

12:40AM - Vote for your favorite Austin Drag Queen!

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/austindrag/surveys?id=403098

6:50AM - Time to move on...

O.K. Well for a little while now, I have started to grow tired of always being out at gay clubs, and also having to work in one, has started to really get to me lately. I just need a fucking break from all the drama and bullshit that seems to just grow in these places. So I quit my job last night. I know I know, not a smart thing to do with the economy being so shitty and all. But I am going to look for a normal job, where no club, drug, or party shit is involved. I need good old fashion benefits, again, 401k, blah,blah.... I will enjoy my time spent in these clubs a whole lot more, if I'm not in them every damn week. Now to start with the good old fashioned job hunting... Yay! Not that I like it, but I do like having a normal paycheck, and all those ever so normal problems that come with it. It's time to take a break from the crazy and conform to what will pay the bills on time, and provide those little things we all seem to take for granted. Luckily my boyfriend is all for this idea, and is being very supportive. His angle is my not working in a bar, means me being out in the bars alot less. And he's right. I have lost interest in being a part of al that on a regular basis. FREE AT LAST!! FREE AT LAST!!!

9:08PM

What Is Your True Aura Colour?
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1:50PM

Which Absolutely Fabulous Character are You?
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